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Answer for question 4214.   
03:17pm 28/01/2015
 
What moment or event from your childhood do you cherish most? Why is it so special to you?
I remember when I was younger I would go over to my grandmother's house after school, and once I was done with my homework I would paint using an easel. It was my great grandfather's. He was a very talented artist, and I very much looked up to him. I thought it was so cool that I got to use his easel. This was my first time ever really painting, and I think it was what spurred my artistic endeavors to this day.
 
     How many words should I write today?

 
I Had This Dream.   
10:03am 28/01/2015
 
mood: sleepy
I had a dream about a fictional person. They had an awesome white Volvo station wagon, and when I got into the car Wilco was in the cd player. There was something else that we had in common that was pretty gnarly, but since waking up I can't remember what it was. I also can't remember what this person looked like. I kept trying to fall back to sleep to get back into the dream, but it didn't work. Now, I'm awake, and I need coffee.
 
     How many words should I write today?

 
Here I am again...   
03:01am 14/06/2014
 
mood: indifferent
Alone at home.

I'm by myself again. Hanging out with just me. It gets a little lonely sometimes, although I'm trying to figure out how to embrace being by myself. It can be a difficult task especially when you're used to having someone around to interact with. I mean, I have someone around just not someone who wants to hang out with me, which leaves me feeling like I'm not worth being around. But, I guess, we're all our own worst critics as human beings.
It can still be a little rough on the mind, weighing down on you like an anchor trying to sink you to the bottom of a depthless ocean.
 
     How many words should I write today?

 
Changes   
10:56am 05/06/2014
 
mood: contemplative
So many things have happened in my life in the past year. It's a little overwhelming sometimes. I keep telling myself that I can handle anything that comes my way, but sometimes it seems like too much. I have lost my last grandparent, a good friend, and my 14 year old dog all within 7 months. I'm losing my husband now.
He says he is not in love with me anymore, and that he hasn't been for months. He also said he hasn't been happy with me for quite some time now. I was devastated when he told me because I had no idea. I was completely blindsided. I thought we were doing just fine. We hardly ever argued, usually we played around and joked with each other. I didn't start realizing how distant we have actually been until he broke his news to me. Then, I starting pushing around all of the past several months in my head. I've been thinking of how distant we've actually been, and wondering why at the time it felt normal to me. I realized that outside of sex we haven't been intimate at all, even the sex wasn't an intimate thing. It was more like something he wanted and expected, nothing special. He hadn't held me all night in too long. The first time he has was this past Saturday when he told me how he feels, and I just cried and sobbed uncontrollably for hours. That night he held me all night long even after we'd both fallen asleep. I don't believe that I hadn't caught on to something as big as that as some kind of sign pointing to something being amiss in our relationship. The more I think about it, the more it feels like we've just been friends or roommates living with one another in our home.
Now, my life feels turned completely upside-down. I am no longer staying at our house. I've been staying with my roommate, Wendi, which is the woman I lived with before I got married and bought a house with my husband. It's not too bad because I lived here for four years, but it is not my home anymore. I feel like an inconvenience to her on top of all of the other emotions I'm feeling, although she has told me that I am not, and that I'm always welcome here. I'm trying to give my husband time to work out what he wants to do, whether it be to work things out or let things go with us. I have so many feelings in my body right now.
At first, I was a sad, pathetic mess of a person, and now I'm beginning to feel angry on top of the sadness. I've felt a plethora of things in less than a week starting with confusion, sadness, pain, and worthlessness, and moving into self-doubt, loneliness, and worry. I've been questioning myself and our relationship. In the past few days, I've been feeling anger and betrayal, and also a sense of hope that feels hollow like wishful thinking. My brain and heart are having a battle of tug-o-war with emotion and reason. I feel like I am almost holding onto something that is not going to go the way I plan. I've been telling myself that it could work out, but I feel like that will create a new kind of hurt once everything is said and done. There are too many "what ifs" for me right now. It seems like my emotions are climbing on top of each other forming this large mountain, and I'm standing in awe and disbelief of it. It's like I showed up ready to handle it, and didn't realize until I got here how unprepared I actually am.
My family and friends that I've talked to about what is happening all have the same general response of "I don't know what to tell you", "Things will work out the way they are supposed to", and "No one has the answers to things like this". There have been so many different "maybes" that they are swimming around in my head like mean little fish.
I'm beginning to feel like I don't know what I want anymore either. Do I stick this out, and wait for him to tell me we'll be alright, and that he was confused or unsure of himself? Or do I stick it out for him to tell me that we're over? Either of those leave me feeling out of control of my own fate, and I feel like I will be hurt worse if I wait just for him to decide it won't work out. I'm so lost. I want to make my own choices, but what I want now is to be with him. That is something I don't have control over. I wish I could be strong enough to wait for an answer without feeling like I am hanging in the balance.
 
     How many words should I write today?

 
here...   
12:15am 09/11/2011
 
mood: indescribable
I need somewhere to write down my pain.

I've lost my family in various ways. I've been betrayed by my family in various ways.

My father left me here on this planet, alone. We were suppose to die together, and he died without me. We were going to jump off the bridge in downtown Hampton, Virginia together. He didn't want to be here as much as I don't want to be here. People say that suicide is selfish, but I think he was the only one who understood why it's not selfish. We understood eachother. We made a pact, and he broke it by dying without me. I'm alone now, without anyone to understand how I feel. I think we were both ready to go at the same time, but he convinced me to stay around awhile. Why? Why stay around here if he didn't even stay?

My mother has always said, "I love you" to me, but I don't think she understands the meaning of those words. She doesn't know what that means to say to anyone, much less her children. I knew it was falsity. Those words hurt me more than anything. How can you hurt something that you are suppose to love unconditionally? She not in my life any longer, although she tries to be in my life occasionally. I don't understand why she wants a piece of my life now. Why wasn't I good enough after I developed a sense of self? She couldn't play dress up with the baby doll anymore because it became a free thinking, free feeling person. So she left, and now I don't need her anymore. She seems like she needs me now, and I don't need her anymore. I don't even think I love her. I use to love her. She would come into my room when I was a little girl, and rub my back until I fell asleep. My favorite mornings were waking up and she was asleep next to me on my bed. She would fall asleep rubbing my back, and still be there when I awoke.

My half sister has betrayed all of her siblings after our father died. I think she has lied to everyone in her family. She never talks to me. I don't think she ever liked me very much, but she put on a grand performance for years. Brilliant. I couldn't tell she didn't care. She's a selfish human being. She left her family, her kids, her husband, her siblings, her parents. She let my father die. She let my father die on my watch. She couldn't drive the hour and fifteen minutes to come see that I needed help for weeks because I couldn't take care of him as a nineteen year old girl, a lost girl who was losing the only person that mattered. She didn't show up until it was too late to save him. He was already gone when she came to see him, and only because she had to come see him. She was the executor of the estate. The executioner of him. She won't talk to me anymore. She has other people do her bidding and her covering up and her lying for her. I can't believe I am related to someone so selfish and cruel. I can't believe we come from the same man. The man I loved, the only man I loved.

I don't want to leave my younger brother here the way my father left me here. I don't think Danny understands how my father and I felt, how I still feel. This world is an injustice. That word doesn't help begin to describe what this world is. There are no words to describe what this world is. None. Cruel, lonely, selfish, evil, dark, empty, hollow, vile, repugnant, cold, bitter, sad, disservice, injustice...none of them are suiting. I no longer want to live in a place like this. I don't want to exist here anymore. I want to be with my dad again.

I cannot contemplate the best way to end my life. I'm afraid if I try, I will fail, and be stuck here without another chance to get out. How lucky are the people who have taken their lives.

I can't believe I was born into a life so cruel coming from a man so selfless, kind and caring. I can't believe I could possibly be related to humans so terrible. How does this happen? How the fuck does this happen to people?
 
     How many words should I write today?

 
Reply to Sara   
11:48am 23/10/2007
 
mood: bland
Catching up with Sara about a few things.

The message was this:
are you staying in indiana? whatchu up to?

I replied with this:
Yeah, I am going to get an apartment with Amanda and Joe, Amanda and I move in November 1st. Steve and I broke up because he had been talking to another girl on the phone since the beginning of october, and he lied to me about it. It was a weird situation. Also, I sent Charles Taylor a text saying, "You should read A Coney Island of the Mind" by Lawrence Ferlinghetti" because I knew he didn't have text, and assumed he would either not get it or get it and never call. Strangely enough, Charles called me 3 minutes after I sent the text, and left a message that said, "Yeah, I...I have, and...how've you been?", which sounded completely sincere. I didn't answer or call back when he called that time, but I listened to that message more than twenty times, but wasn't planning on calling him. Then, he called me at 1:05 a.m. the same night. We talked for 20 minutes about life, and then I told him I had to go to sleep. He called me again two days later, just to talk. I also got off the phone that time after about 10 minutes. I am not capable of talking with him for long spans of time because it fills my head with relentless hope.

Anyways, I'm in Hampton right now for my lame birthday, a dentist appointment on the 29th, and to get the rest of my things that I will be needing, like my bed, etc.
Life is being very weird. I don't like it in Hampton, except for the few reasons that I had to scrape up from my mind, which are: travis is here, my friends are here, my dad and brother are here, molly is cute, and most of the time the weather is very moderate in the fall (not too cold, not too hot). Other than that, seeing an empty room, that once contained some form of liveliness through my personal belongings, put a pot hole in my stomach, and maybe the graying look that someone abandoned it hurt a bit more. The thing that really helped me realize that I have made the right choice in leaving is the ice cream truck, and it's ridiculously redundant music that sounds like an eternally dying carnival. I was sitting on the new porch in a rocking chair, and the music started silently creeping in to my reality; almost as if it were trying to pass by unnoticed, and was ashamed that it was making such a spectacle due to lack of "business". As it rolled by the house, it told me stories of the staleness of Hampton, Virginia. It told me that nothing changes for people here, and that made the pot hole crackle and grow deeper and wider. I didn't want to stay the rest of the week because of it. I knew at that moment that there is nothing to look forward too, and no reason to search for any kind of activity that may bring some form of solace. It is over between Hampton and I. The faux love affair with "home" has doubtlessly met it's end.
 
     How many words should I write today?

 
An Opium Account   
02:20pm 08/10/2007
 
mood: regular
The opium girl walks to the beat of her own drum.

Rises to the dawn of her own sun.

Sings out longing for only one.

Looks for a place to come undone.

Reachs for a piece of anyone.

Laments for a dream that will never come.

Mean and Unclean, her life has become.


I posted a few new journals at once because I never have time to get on the internet any where, and I don't have it at home yet.
 
     How many words should I write today?

 
Alley Way Waltz   
02:18pm 08/10/2007
 
mood: regular
Electric blues taint my skin in the early evening,

the humming of mechanical monsters close in comparison of the cars,

passing through on the night's open road.

The fall air possesses a calming essence, and wraps itself around everything.
 
     How many words should I write today?

 
Crossing the Space Between Here and Last Year   
02:13pm 08/10/2007
 
mood: regular
10/07

(It is time to part)

Time to drink alone again.

Time to focus, time for a cure.

What is around the next corner?

When living, day by day, becomes a challenge,

looking for a future seems like a good direction to take.

It all leads to the same place.

An ongoing race at a changing pace.

Walking into walls that I built there.

Creating illusions to face that stare.

My mind is no good at staying still;

it wanders off into abandoned thought,

dreaming of places I had long fought.

I cloak your face with relentless memories.

No matter the toll; I will pay the fees.

Now, all I can do is plea

that on warm fall nights,

you will not forget me.
 
     How many words should I write today?

 
Moon Moon   
01:48pm 08/10/2007
 
mood: bregulan
The red leaks out, twisting in to tangled streams across the sky. Silver star, your time was well spent, but for moon moon it's time to fade until the end of daylight.; time for colors to leap back to life. Morning light ignites. Bodies like ships, sailing great distances to bring on a new revolution. Restored with a will to fight, and to, this time get it right. A spinning cycle that never stops clocks. Wasting away, day by day, to reach a goal of a seemingly endless plight. Keep hope in sight; maybe a day will come when what is left will be right.
 
     How many words should I write today?

 
Writing is a way of life...   
01:36pm 08/10/2007
 
mood: regular
I wrote this in November, 2003, and I just found it. You have to be patient; I happened to be reading a lot of Kerouac at the time.

"Annie's Alley"
The geniuses are the crazies. The crazies are the geniuses. The whole sad, happy world is inside-out, upside-down, backwards, and forwards. The things are mixed up masses of crazy black and blue colors mixed in with the lights and darks of the people. Truths are lies, and lies are truths. Everything that is wrong is right. Everything right is wrong. What's going on? Where do we start? Where do we end? Maybe in the alleys of the bums and beats, streets, crazy beats of the clouds, dancing around, making sounds of different things. The strings are gone; worn down by the fingers of time. The plates are missing from the cabinets; broken on empty floors from so many angry accidents. Accidents aren't real. Dreams are real. Real silly things made by the streets of the mind. Driving waves are speeding up, slowing down, riding around. So many places to go. Buildings to live in, creep around, through the doors, on the ground. Crazy thoughts, sane thoughts. The reds, the blues, the me's, the yous. Pinky yellows float in the bathtubs in gardens of closed stores. Lovers fly around, and graze in fields. Hippies die and preach. The bums are old, and have dirty feet. Dirty fingernails on dirty hands, holding glass bottles in brown paper bags; sitting in tall, green grass, looked at by despising eyes. Do they know anyone? Who are they? The same as the beat. The dirt on their hands just as visible as junkies on the street, but somehow they pretend to be ten, twenty, no...a hundred times better than the people on the street. Or so they think.
 
     How many words should I write today?

 
In My Dreams...   
12:45pm 14/07/2007
 
mood: contemplative
I want to be in love.

I want the good times to outweigh the bad.
I want the bad times to be worked out instead of drawn out.
I want spontaneous, creative romance.
I want more than just intimacy; I want friendship.
I want to be able to be close without being insecure.
I want someone who wants to be around me as much as I want to be around them.
I want someone who feels comfortable enough to be completely open and honest.
I want someone who likes doing new, different things.
I want someone who is modest, but not too modest.
I want someone who is confident, but not too confident.
I want someone who finds contentment in just being together.
I want someone who needs no more reassurance than a simple glance.

...who doesn't.

I mull these thoughts over all the time.
It never seems to come together.

People are so afraid that they are not worth getting to know,
that they don't take the time to let anyone else see that they are.
It seems so petty how simple fear can create such huge boundaries for people.
 
     

1 word:How many words should I write today?

 
Funds   
07:50am 14/07/2007
 
mood: amused
i have almost no money left in my fucking checking account.
god damn...
car expenses!
food!
Virgin Fest Tickets!
having no job!

shit. shit. shit.

if i don't make or find at least $500 before August 12th. I am going to have to either cut the trip to NOLA short or...not go at all. ::starts whining::

i guess i will have to pursue...
an exotic dancing career!
a medical career!
a power washing career!
a bank robbing career!
a drug dealing career!
...for a few weeks!

..or if anyone wants you can send money to the
Bring Annie Back to NOLA for the Millionth Time Fund
(we'll call it BAB2NOLA4theMTF for short)<-sarcasm
we'll really call it Bring Annie to NOLA

you can donate money to...
A.Conrad
435 Lee St.
Hampton, VA 23669
(cash or check only)
we will not accept pocket lint, but change is welcome.
fund ends: august 12th, 2007

well...cheers mates.

 
     How many words should I write today?