I've lost my family in various ways. I've been betrayed by my family in various ways.
My father left me here on this planet, alone. We were suppose to die together, and he died without me. We were going to jump off the bridge in downtown Hampton, Virginia together. He didn't want to be here as much as I don't want to be here. People say that suicide is selfish, but I think he was the only one who understood why it's not selfish. We understood eachother. We made a pact, and he broke it by dying without me. I'm alone now, without anyone to understand how I feel. I think we were both ready to go at the same time, but he convinced me to stay around awhile. Why? Why stay around here if he didn't even stay?
My mother has always said, "I love you" to me, but I don't think she understands the meaning of those words. She doesn't know what that means to say to anyone, much less her children. I knew it was falsity. Those words hurt me more than anything. How can you hurt something that you are suppose to love unconditionally? She not in my life any longer, although she tries to be in my life occasionally. I don't understand why she wants a piece of my life now. Why wasn't I good enough after I developed a sense of self? She couldn't play dress up with the baby doll anymore because it became a free thinking, free feeling person. So she left, and now I don't need her anymore. She seems like she needs me now, and I don't need her anymore. I don't even think I love her. I use to love her. She would come into my room when I was a little girl, and rub my back until I fell asleep. My favorite mornings were waking up and she was asleep next to me on my bed. She would fall asleep rubbing my back, and still be there when I awoke.
My half sister has betrayed all of her siblings after our father died. I think she has lied to everyone in her family. She never talks to me. I don't think she ever liked me very much, but she put on a grand performance for years. Brilliant. I couldn't tell she didn't care. She's a selfish human being. She left her family, her kids, her husband, her siblings, her parents. She let my father die. She let my father die on my watch. She couldn't drive the hour and fifteen minutes to come see that I needed help for weeks because I couldn't take care of him as a nineteen year old girl, a lost girl who was losing the only person that mattered. She didn't show up until it was too late to save him. He was already gone when she came to see him, and only because she had to come see him. She was the executor of the estate. The executioner of him. She won't talk to me anymore. She has other people do her bidding and her covering up and her lying for her. I can't believe I am related to someone so selfish and cruel. I can't believe we come from the same man. The man I loved, the only man I loved.
I don't want to leave my younger brother here the way my father left me here. I don't think Danny understands how my father and I felt, how I still feel. This world is an injustice. That word doesn't help begin to describe what this world is. There are no words to describe what this world is. None. Cruel, lonely, selfish, evil, dark, empty, hollow, vile, repugnant, cold, bitter, sad, disservice, injustice...none of them are suiting. I no longer want to live in a place like this. I don't want to exist here anymore. I want to be with my dad again.
I cannot contemplate the best way to end my life. I'm afraid if I try, I will fail, and be stuck here without another chance to get out. How lucky are the people who have taken their lives.
I can't believe I was born into a life so cruel coming from a man so selfless, kind and caring. I can't believe I could possibly be related to humans so terrible. How does this happen? How the fuck does this happen to people?