Annie (emoannie420) wrote,
Annie
emoannie420

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Changes

So many things have happened in my life in the past year. It's a little overwhelming sometimes. I keep telling myself that I can handle anything that comes my way, but sometimes it seems like too much. I have lost my last grandparent, a good friend, and my 14 year old dog all within 7 months. I'm losing my husband now.
He says he is not in love with me anymore, and that he hasn't been for months. He also said he hasn't been happy with me for quite some time now. I was devastated when he told me because I had no idea. I was completely blindsided. I thought we were doing just fine. We hardly ever argued, usually we played around and joked with each other. I didn't start realizing how distant we have actually been until he broke his news to me. Then, I starting pushing around all of the past several months in my head. I've been thinking of how distant we've actually been, and wondering why at the time it felt normal to me. I realized that outside of sex we haven't been intimate at all, even the sex wasn't an intimate thing. It was more like something he wanted and expected, nothing special. He hadn't held me all night in too long. The first time he has was this past Saturday when he told me how he feels, and I just cried and sobbed uncontrollably for hours. That night he held me all night long even after we'd both fallen asleep. I don't believe that I hadn't caught on to something as big as that as some kind of sign pointing to something being amiss in our relationship. The more I think about it, the more it feels like we've just been friends or roommates living with one another in our home.
Now, my life feels turned completely upside-down. I am no longer staying at our house. I've been staying with my roommate, Wendi, which is the woman I lived with before I got married and bought a house with my husband. It's not too bad because I lived here for four years, but it is not my home anymore. I feel like an inconvenience to her on top of all of the other emotions I'm feeling, although she has told me that I am not, and that I'm always welcome here. I'm trying to give my husband time to work out what he wants to do, whether it be to work things out or let things go with us. I have so many feelings in my body right now.
At first, I was a sad, pathetic mess of a person, and now I'm beginning to feel angry on top of the sadness. I've felt a plethora of things in less than a week starting with confusion, sadness, pain, and worthlessness, and moving into self-doubt, loneliness, and worry. I've been questioning myself and our relationship. In the past few days, I've been feeling anger and betrayal, and also a sense of hope that feels hollow like wishful thinking. My brain and heart are having a battle of tug-o-war with emotion and reason. I feel like I am almost holding onto something that is not going to go the way I plan. I've been telling myself that it could work out, but I feel like that will create a new kind of hurt once everything is said and done. There are too many "what ifs" for me right now. It seems like my emotions are climbing on top of each other forming this large mountain, and I'm standing in awe and disbelief of it. It's like I showed up ready to handle it, and didn't realize until I got here how unprepared I actually am.
My family and friends that I've talked to about what is happening all have the same general response of "I don't know what to tell you", "Things will work out the way they are supposed to", and "No one has the answers to things like this". There have been so many different "maybes" that they are swimming around in my head like mean little fish.
I'm beginning to feel like I don't know what I want anymore either. Do I stick this out, and wait for him to tell me we'll be alright, and that he was confused or unsure of himself? Or do I stick it out for him to tell me that we're over? Either of those leave me feeling out of control of my own fate, and I feel like I will be hurt worse if I wait just for him to decide it won't work out. I'm so lost. I want to make my own choices, but what I want now is to be with him. That is something I don't have control over. I wish I could be strong enough to wait for an answer without feeling like I am hanging in the balance.
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